A Departure from Embracing Evil....

I've never been a person to make New Year's resolutions. I think every day can be an opportunity to resolve to do something, not just January 1st. This year, as most years gone by, I didn't officially resolve to do anything different. But now I'm sensing the need to break out of my old habits and embrace change by making a declaration. So today, January 27, 2009, I resolve to try harder to embrace less Evil.

It all began thirteen years ago, I found myself drawn to Evil. It was magnetic, persistent. In a strange new way, it brought me joy. And, contrary to what would be expected, it actually became a bond that held our family together. The focus on this Evil being so strong, my entire family could spend time together in an odd peace. Perhaps we didn't perceive the deception in these moments. Perhaps it was our inner, human nature, the fallen man in us all, but Evil became our delight.

After a time, by the grace of God, we found new life outside of Evil. We began to distance ourselves from the cult-like entity, and thankfully we'd never found others who wanted to join. Distractions with schooling and friends and life drew us apart, and Evil lost its hold. Yet, no matter how hard we all tried, it still lurked in the shadows. It was as if it were a toy, long forgotten in a closet, but longing to be played with. It was still there, unseen but unchanged, waiting to be embraced again.

Years passed, years of peace, of joy. Life. Travel. Marriage. Work. Kids. And then it all changed. My mom called and asked if I could help her. Evil was calling, through her memories and all she wanted was to satisfy that desire. And being the ever-obedient daughter that I am, I couldn't justify telling her no. And I wanted Evil for myself.

I found myself searching, searching for what was right, searching for the perfect fit. And I went where my mother told me to go. I only wish I would've refused, as I have paid dearly.

I went to the website. I clicked on the item and went to the checkout. I purchased the movie, the cult-classic, Evil Roy Slade. And it felt good. But the evil-induced euphoria was short-lived. I soon found that, not only had I bought the DVD for a mere $.25, but they had signed me up for a free trial of their discount DVD community. After seven days they would begin charging me a monthly fee. I immediately went to the site, found a phone number and called asking my name to be removed and all accounts with them closed. No problem. No harm no foul. And Evil would soon arrive.

Within a week, I held the wondrous DVD in my hands, quickly deciding to share Evil with all I knew. It was a happy day.

But then, today I found out all is not well. Evil persists in many forms. There was a charge to my bank account that I had not authorized, from the same company I had purchased the DVD. And when I called, they pretended they couldn't hear me, to the worst extent. After a real person came on the phone and asked my name, they took it, then when I tried to ask for help the non-American person who I had been speaking with quickly gave me this reply, "I'm sorry ma'am, we're experiencing a high volume of calls, please call back at a better time.". What? You can't tell me that! But they did. So, after talking to my bank, and finding multiple charges from the company, I have now forfeited my debit card and will have to patiently wait for a new one.

Some lessons have been learned.
First, Evil can come even through SSL secured sites and wreak havoc on bank accounts.

"Give me *everybody's* money back!" -Evil Roy Slade

Second, I probably shouldn't follow my mom's plans when it comes to online shopping. If this was only the beginning, I don't want to see the end.

"I learned a valuable lesson today. Never trust a pretty girl, or a lonely midget." -Evil Roy Slade


And lastly, though I will still shop online, I may think twice before asking God for topics to write about. Sometimes answered prayers seem almost Evil, if you know what I mean.

"I ain't giving up. I've worked hard, it took me years to work my way to the bottom". -Evil Roy Slade

I didn't know I had time for infomercials in my schedule.

Life is complicated. We're raised with rules. We're raised to believe that life necessitates morals. I think that most of us have grown up with this modeled for us. Parents give rules and guidelines. They help set paths so that we aren't led astray. As a parent myself, daily I'm faced with encouraging my kids to follow rules. I tell them it's to keep them safe, to help them learn to obey, to show respect, to... to do it because I just said so!

Yet, in life we also have this inherent desire to push limits and decide which rules should be broken. Children are constantly found testing limits, at least in my house.

"What's wrong with feeding the cat lunch meat on the brown chair?" Maybe it's because we don't even have a cat, that cat is the neighbors. And because that's the only piece of furniture that doesn't look like it's been attacked by rabid monkeys.

"Why wont you let me jump on your bed?!" I wonder if it's because that's how you got seven staples in your head in the ER? Did that head injury affect your memory, too??

"Can I get a new, real tattoo?" When you're old enough and you have a good idea...

This brings into play the "do as I say, not as I do" mentality. It seems inevitable that eventually those words will spill forth from our mouths, as we regret every syllable. But, as you run across the street to catch the dog without looking for cars, so it must be said.

Why does this all come up? Because, as child I was taught to not speak to strangers. Not to fear them either, but to be cautious. And, now as a parent I find myself thinking about "Stranger Danger" (thank you Berenstain Bears), and how to teach my kids. And I wonder how, after growing up and taking this lesson to heart, my mother never believed it herself.

My mom talked to a stranger, and not just any stranger, but a stranger that offered her chocolate. And then invited her to come to a house to get more "free" chocolate. Did she run? Did she flee? No. She, envisioning chocolate like Edmund envisions Turkish delight in the Chronicles of Narnia, wanted only more. Though, to her credit, unlike greedy little Edmund, she wanted to share the spoils. So, she invited me.

Words cannot describe the dread I faced as I approached the poorly lit house. And even after arriving and finding many familiar faces within(familiar only to my mother), I still couldn't help but worry. I kept envisioning triangles and pyramids and other random geometric shapes. To be sure, everything I feared came to pass. We sat through an hour-long preview of what will soon be the nations next leading infomercial.

"It's fun! It's FUN! I like FUN! I like cookies! I never knew it could be SO FUN!"

"And yes, it's true, she's even a doctor. A real doctor!. A real doctor endorsing this!"

"It cured my diabetes, my blood pressure, my hypoglycemia, ADHD, glaucoma, even my iron deficiency, mermaid syndrome, narcolepsy, baldness, irrational fear of bats, my asthma, my head lice and I even grew back one of my missing toes!"

To be sure, after our secret meeting was over, it would happen sooner or later. Someone would be the first to leak the info on this miracle drug. I decided that someone would be me. How will we make millions? How will we cure almost every disease? What is this wonder-drug? Chocolate.

Yet, as much as I wont buy what they're giving, I wont deny that I will continue to benefit from my own self-prescribed dosage. But, unlike as was recommended by these fun-loving strangers, I will not be eating my chocolate in the evening as a replacement for mouthwash. No eating after brushing my teeth is one rule I just can't break.

Can I please be a villain again, and forget I ever tried to be a hero?

In a recent, random turn of events, I have found myself a changed person. Formerly a villain, now turned hero. It all started on what the world knows as 'Black Friday'. (And yes, I could now take a break and inform you it's called 'Black Friday' because it's typically the first day of the year that retail sales get out of the red and back into the black, therefore creating a profit and making everyone smile and behave erratically...but I wont bore you with such trivial knowledge). And though it began on 'Black Friday', none of my change presented itself until Christmas Eve.

I'd like to blame my brothers for this newly-found dilemma, as it was while shopping for them that this possibility showed itself to me. Maybe it was getting up at 4:30am to shop. Maybe it was two coffees before 11am. Maybe it was the utter chaos surrounding me. But I realized, "If they can be heroes, why can't I?". Yes, it stretched my imagination to its limits. It's hard to picture myself finding joy in anything with the slightest connotation of niceness/helpfulness/supportiveness/some-other-word-that-ends-in-ness that comes with the word 'hero'. But a hero, nonetheless, I've become.

And please don't picture me as some role model. By all means, I am in no way insinuating I've achieved perfection. As I face the crowds in my daily situations, trying only to do what I think is right, I sometimes hear the crowds and their mocking. Taunts to dissuade me from chasing after my new-found vision. Perhaps they are, themselves, merely villains waiting for their moment when they will be able to choose to become heroes, too. Maybe they still don't understand that they have a choice. And with that in mind, I will not take anything they say to heart, and hope that they too will become a hero.

As for me, I will continue trying to be a hero, or in the very least, a 'guitar hero'.

And on a side-note, if in a incidental moment, you happen upon me playing and find me blushing, make no assumptions. I'm not ashamed to admit to playing Guitar Hero (though maybe I should be). I'm probably just remembering and embarrassing moment. I think I'll share it with you now...

I'd like to start by saying, I love my in-laws. I am blessed and thankful to have them as my family. They raised my husband to be and incredible man. They are wonderful grandparents. They even love me (and goodness knows that can be a task!).

They are also quite conservative. This isn't usually an issue, but I know there are lots of unspoken things we could disagree on. Some things are just better left unsaid, especially in the interest of keeping peace. (I do understand not all moms have their lips pierced and tattoo sleeves in the process...) I suspected that the game 'Guitar Hero' may push the limits. So, in an effort to not offend, when I found out they would be stopping in for the night, I'd planned on keeping the game (and especially its case), put away.

Here is where the ever-helpful Creed enters the story. Not only did he proceed to tell them we got the game (while Traben sang "slow ride...take it easy" in the background), he sought out the case to show off. I tried to distract him. Then, unable to do so, make myself appear distracted as I saw Todd's mom's countenance change from pleasant to disapproving, while she was looking over the case. I was looking to Todd to get him to divert attention when Creed uttered these marvelous words, while pointing at the cover....

"And this one is my mom!"

Todd choked.

I blushed.

If you're not familiar with the game, here's why;

Some things I'm thankful for....or rather, the first 10 thoughts that came to mind...

To celebrate the closing of a year, and welcome in a new one, I'd like to share with you a small list of things I am thankful for this year.

10: Velcro on my kids shoes. ~ I don't mean the kind that straps them on, but the little sticky tabs I added to put random notes to people, especially teachers. Example: "Please ignore the staples in his head, he always likes to start school well-supplied"

9: Used books from St. Vincent DePaul. ~ Books are cheaper to buy there than at your local mega-mart-book-peddler, and they come with a unique 'used-by-an-old-person scent' only found in thrift stores.

8: My Wii and WiiFit. ~ Not only do I get to be more fit, but I get to do so while making the neighbors wonder if I'm fighting with my imaginary friend...again.

7: Lint Rollers. ~ I don't actually own one as of yet, but with my dog currently shedding, I like to know that the possibility of removing his excess hair from my shirt, with ease, is possible. And for only a small cost.

6: Wood (and its byproducts). ~ What can't it do? Sure, it can't be used as a flame retardant, and maybe it doesn't taste good to eat, but... Houses can't be made without it. [Okay, they probably can.] But, without wood, we wouldn't have newspapers. [Although, many are online now.] Okay, well at least without wood, we wouldn't have pulp and without pulp we wouldn't have toilet paper. And that would be a sad world.

5: My toenails. ~ As of this day, more than 26 years into my life, I have yet to have a toenail fungus, and for that I am grateful. *knocks on wood (see what else wood is useful for?!)*

4: My dogs desire to eat anything. ~ I always knew I wanted a puppy, but I never knew the extent of the joys that would abound in my having to pry things out of the creatures mouth, every ten minutes.

3: The cat that adopted us. ~ Me, thankful for a cat? Yes, because who else could I refer to as "el diablo", while cleaning their muddy prints out of our bathtub. And how many people can say they have a cat that loves to sit in a tub?

2: The wipers on car headlights. ~ Not only are they highly useful, clearing off the high beams, but they're just dern cute. Teeny-tiny wipers going 'swish-swish-swish'.

And for the final thought...

1: Nonsense. ~ Not only does it help ease the daily dose of serious, but it makes the blahs dissapear, if only for a moment. "A little nonsense now and then, cherished by the wisest men"... a constant thought, singing in my head, thanks to good ol' Willy Wonka.

Thanks for reading my blogs this year. As Christmas draws near, and a New Year approaches, I hope that you will find peace and joy in your life's journey.

It's getting hot in here...

All of my life, as long as I can remember, I've feared being a diaphoretic. This isn't one of my fears that's crippling. It's not like my myrmecaphobia, where I can't help but shut down in fear. I can survive, and should I have an episode, I can quickly recover. I'm sure a lot of people would tell me to just get over it, that life shouldn't be full of these fears... And while I try to overcome, in the heat of the moment, it becomes my obsession.

So, I've chosen to live my life carefully. I try to 'dress for success', and stick with environments in which I feel comfortable. I've truly taken a very proactive approach to this issue. I found that adenosine has been linked to causing specific episodes of diaphoresis. Now, I try daily to combat the presence of its mere existence in this macrocosm that is my life. I have even been medicating myself because of this.

But, finding this (near)cure has also led to a light addiction. Okay, a rampant addiction. You never expect the cure to become its own disease, but it has. And not without its own side-effects. I find myself feeling more alert at random hours when sleep should be calling me. Some days I feel edgier, almost jittery. And, in the unfortunate event that I'm unable to ingest my daily dosage, it feels as though my world is crashing in around me. My head aches, my body feels weak, my bed beckons me.

But don't think that I'm complaining. I'm not trying to break this addiction, yet. My fears are still prevalent. Honestly, I know it's not healthy to be so dependant, but I cannot choose life any other way. I've tried. And, upon further research, as much as my medication is for binding the adenosine (therefore helping combat my diaphoretic-phobias), it's useful in other ways. It's been known to combat cancer, help fight off diseases like diabetes and Parkinsons...not that I should try to justify the vices in my life.


So, there's no real significance to my admissions today. As a diaphoretic, I fear excessive sweating. Adenosine is naturally in our bodies, and can increase perspiration, but caffeine binds the adenosine. And gosh darn it, if caffeine is gonna help, I'm drinking more coffee. Coffee is the cure for everything. So drink up!Besides, who needs sleep anyway?

Kid Tested, Mother-disapproved!

As I wander through life, I've come to accept the fact that I have memory issues. It's not an easy road to follow, as I can't remember the directions to wherever I'm heading. And, in the chance instant that I actually arrive in the appropriate location, I can't remember why I am supposed to be there. I've blamed it on using too much space to store mostly useless information, like every phone number I've had, and every phone number I've ever dialed. Or thought about dialing. Or saw someone else dialing.

But what was I saying?

Oh, my memory!

Just this week I realized the true cause. Growing up, I ingested enormous amounts of cleaners. By the bowlful, and with a spoon. I'm not exactly sure when my desire for this concoction first reared its ugly head. I can remember being five years old, at the earliest. A glorious cleaning agent, also a degreaser, a known fertilizer that has caused algae blooms if allowed to flow into bodies of water... it was one of my favorite treats.

And I have to admit, it's because I fed it to my dog that this all came into the light. You see, I've also been feeding it to my kids. And the other day, during breakfast, some of this glorious substance spilled onto the floor. Before it could be cleaned up, my dog was into it. And he went from puppy-happy, to crack-happy. And with every bite, it was another burst of energy, like he was on a high from the tiniest amount. My dog became a whirlwind of uncontrollable impulses, crashing several moments later into a deep sleep. It was like a super drug, causing me to ask myself, "What am I doing?".

So, beware. I have a feeling trisodium phosphate is everywhere. It's in your local hardware stores. It's in your grocery stores, for sure. And it may already be in your cupboards. In the meantime, I'm going to think twice before buying Kix.

I've Never Eaten A Snail

The European Union was created in 1993 as a means to compete with the US for power and the rights to act superior. It hasn't been easy to mesh different ideas and 23 languages, but all countries involved seem to thoroughly enjoy gathering together, with earpieces to sort out the cacophony, and form new ways to confuse American tourists while they travel abroad.

That being said, only a few decades ago, this may not have been possible. (Thank God, Al Gore invented the idea.) As an example, it was only in 1945 that the enmity between Germany and France ended and the Franco-German Partnership was created. This truly seemed to be an impossibility, and some days may not logically make sense, especially with the never ending battle for who has the superior cars. The French argue their Peugeot reigns supreme, while the Germans stand by their Volkswagen. It's an argument that, like many American Chevy vs. Ford disagreements, has been known to ruin the best of relationships.

And yet, now France and Germany stand strong, side by side. They have overcome their Euroscepticism, and are now known in the EU as the "twin engine that could".

So, why the history lesson? In an amazing turn of events, I have now come to realize I have absolutely no clue who I am. I am but a random person in this world, whose origins are questionable. I'm a foreigner in my own body.

True, I could be feeling this way because I have been suffering from a migraine. They tend to make my mind cloudy. It could also be the smoke in the air, here in Oregon. There's always much speculation as to what we're actually breathing in, as the locals burn their choice, er... incense?

But largely it's due to the fact that I have grown up identifying myself as mostly Dutch/German. I have found my pride in my roots, and also blamed my heritage on my prideful ways (and to quote my Grandma, "Big bones."). Maybe I should have been more aware, and realized that not only is my pride evident, but also arrogance. If I could have seen this in myself, but a bit more clearly, maybe I would have foretold the events that happened this week. This week I found out that, as much as I am German, I am also French. Oui, it's true. So, today I make an internal Franco-German Partnership and pledge to continue life as I have known it. I will try to judge less, and though I will never get over the terror of working with an irrational blind Frenchman, I will live more peaceably with the French. And above all, to avoid more conflict, I will continue driving a Jeep.

The Root of All Evil

Until recently, I didn't realize that I had surrendered all rights to my brain. It's kind of like I'm in a horror movie, and I didn't realize I was living it.

As a child, I watched the movie "Invaders from Mars" (the 1986 edition). If you haven't seen it, these giant aliens that take over the world by drilling holes in the back of people's necks. They all became drone-like, and the way you could know they'd been transformed was by the trade-mark Band-aid on their necks. Needless to say, it was highly inappropriate for me to sneak and watch. I suffered endless nightmares from the movie, the only more disturbing images to ever enter my mind's-eye being "Cocoon". [If I ever found a cocoon on the back of my neck, it may be the death of me, especially if ants are involved.]

But back to my decreasing mental capacity.

Lately, when asked a question, I have only had one answer. It's like it was drilled into my brain, and there's only one answer that can come out. It's not that I don't possess any other knowledge, it's that I cannot overcome. There was a seed planted, it's taken root and all that now grows is this lone thought.

It can be a question regarding the weather, an address, a scientific fact, someones height. And, as I find my brain is relying heavily on this lone idea, I now find that my phone is infected as well.

Be warned, it's viral, highly contagious and may soon take over the world. "What is it?" you ask.

As the movie suggested on it's ads, there's no place on Earth to hide.

I can only give you only the same answer I give everyone regarding everything else;

GOOGLE.

Physics and Physical Labor

In a continued effort to enlighten the masses and help people attune themselves to their daily surroundings (and the insanity of my own), I bring you a thought that's weighed heavily on my head. The law cannot be broken.

Every day I try to live my life abiding by the law. We all do. Yet, lately I have desired more earnestly than ever to break the law. It's driven me to the brink of insanity, yet no matter how hard I try, I cannot physically accomplish the task. I have a theory about why this happens (but theories typically don't hold a chance standing up to laws). But it all comes back to the law. And the law is set. It cannot be broken.

Blast these laws of Thermodynamics!

The Second Law says that entropy always increases in a closed system. One of the things engineers generally do is to define the boundaries of a system such that it is closed. That is, they combine the open system and the outside source of energy into a larger, closed, system.

Have I lost you? I'm sorry. Okay, basically, it all has to do with heat, or energy... but it's also been proven to apply to many other aspects of life. Think of it this way, a wall will not spontaneously build itself, but will fall apart. Energy has to be used to create a wall, but it cannot spontaneously create itself. It can, however come crashing down... everything goes from order to disorder. At best, you can break even and nothing will change, but it will never improve.

Another example is a car rolling along a road that has kinetic energy can do work (by carrying or colliding with something, for example); as friction slows it down and its energy is distributed to its surroundings as heat, it loses this ability. The amount of entropy is often thought of as the amount of disorder in a system.

So, in the system that is my home, as I mop my floors, I earnestly desire to break the law. The law is set though, no matter how much energy I expend, eventually it will all be in vain... dirtied and ruined... and I will mop again, all the while contemplating how thermodynamics has ruined my life.

(and if this is all completely incorrect, well...it's not surprising)

Oh, how times change...

I recently came to realize the great deprivation going on in our culture, mostly affecting our children. I don't know what came to bring about the changes, most likely it was someone in Washington with some grand idea... but I came to the understanding that the youth of our nation are no longer living the many life-enhancing experiences of what most of us older generations knew in our childhood.

My childhood, to me, was rather ordinary. And seeing how my friends were raised, we all shared the same experiences. Life was full of fun, random excursions. But there were also circumstances necessitating that I should have to earn some wages, even early on in life. And that led to complete and utter emotional devastation brought upon by rejection. I can think of days and weeks on end of nearly trying to sell my soul to the next stranger, trying to make a single dollar, only to be sent away... the shame. It still resonates heavily in my soul. And yet I know, that without these experiences, I wouldn't have the spirit to persist despite adversity. I wouldn't know how to overcome that dreaded shame of refusal and become stronger as a person of worth.

So, as I deal with all that I have learned and apply it daily to my life I have so many questions... though I do understand some concerns, I wonder why people no longer force their children to do door-to-door sales of candies and other hardly-useful items? Why must it be encouraged that they sell only to friends and family? Why must we spare them the shame?... or rather, why wasn't I spared?

It looks like my mama was right...

Mom said I should turn this into a blog, or that it sounded like it was becoming one... I guess it is.

The way I was raised, I grew up in a very specific religion. I've been grounded in my ways, not only taking on these beliefs because I was taught to, but because they were my own. Truly ingrainded in me, as I have lived my 26 years in this lifestyle. There are days when I don't know if I could exist outside of the realm of my beliefs, or could seperate myself from my own tenets.

When I met Todd, I knew we may eventually have difficulties blending our ideas. He was raised on the complete opposite side of the belief spectrum as myself. I can look at things honestly and know that, while he is a man of peace, his morals are based around peaceful thoughts as well. And I can look at how I was raised, and know that, I was taught intolerence. Where Todd was raised to embrace, I was taught to repel. When he was taught to show compassion, I was to show wrath. If he was told to feed the hungry, I was told to scare them away, using force if necessary. I guess it's a testament to how we can all appear as any part we want to be in this play called life. After all, no one would ever guess my father had instilled in me such things, but it his to him I attribute all of this.


And so now I face a cross-roads in life. Todd and I been married for eight years without ever having a problem sharing our lives. We've both changed, and changed eachother. I've seen him be less tolerant at times, and feel shame knowing I've helped him become this way. I also know that, I have softened. I also am able to be thankful that our sons have wandered away from what I stand for and are following their father's ideals.

Seeing them look at me, asking me how I could deny others help, I have to ask myself why I would. And I wait for someone else to help, knowing that no one else will.

I am conflicted. I want to set the right example, but I have no idea how to cross that line. And I'm afraid in doing so, I may alienate myself from some of my family.

I'm afraid of, in embracing this new lifestyle, I'm condemning my own life. How do I make up for a lifetime of living on the wrong side of the line?

It truly seems I have come to a point in my life where I will have to decide which life to follow.

As I look out the window toward the neighbors, I have to ask myself, "As a dog lover, could you truly ever care for this creature? Could you really actually care for...a cat??"

Actions speak louder than words....

In an effort to live life the way I'm supposed to, I'm going to attempt to become more transparent. I live my life as a front. I know I try to appear peaceable with others, accepting even, but I know the truth. I truly have far too many enemies. Life has become taxing trying to hold a grudge against the many that I find offensive. And I know there have to be many in the world that feel the same about me, but I find it sad that I have to live repulsed by so many.

So I began to think of what appropriate actions should be taken. I can't fix others, and it's not fair to keep everyone that's disagreeable away. Especially when we all have equal rights to this world. I can only work at fixing me. Sounds like I've been watching Dr. Phil or something, but I haven't. It's just the truth as I see it.

And as much as thinking can pain me, I continued to think. To think about the way I'm supposed to treat my enemies. I was reading in my Bible and in Romans 12 it says "If your enemy is hungry, feed him, if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." And I decided it was time to take this verse literally. Not just trying to fake a smile, or keep my reaction low-key (like a grimace), but truly show care. To actually take a physical substance and give...to my enemies...to feed them.

And so, looking to my fridge (or at least the top of it), I grabbed a bottle and went outdoors. In the cool October morning, I shared my patio and its comforts and gave nourishment... with the knowledge that it would become like coals not only on my enemies heads, but in their stomachs as well.

Yes, I overcame my myrmecaphobia enough to share some Terro with those nasty, little... er...well, you can see what I'm talking about in this picture.