Mom said I should turn this into a blog, or that it sounded like it was becoming one... I guess it is.
The way I was raised, I grew up in a very specific religion. I've been grounded in my ways, not only taking on these beliefs because I was taught to, but because they were my own. Truly ingrainded in me, as I have lived my 26 years in this lifestyle. There are days when I don't know if I could exist outside of the realm of my beliefs, or could seperate myself from my own tenets.
When I met Todd, I knew we may eventually have difficulties blending our ideas. He was raised on the complete opposite side of the belief spectrum as myself. I can look at things honestly and know that, while he is a man of peace, his morals are based around peaceful thoughts as well. And I can look at how I was raised, and know that, I was taught intolerence. Where Todd was raised to embrace, I was taught to repel. When he was taught to show compassion, I was to show wrath. If he was told to feed the hungry, I was told to scare them away, using force if necessary. I guess it's a testament to how we can all appear as any part we want to be in this play called life. After all, no one would ever guess my father had instilled in me such things, but it his to him I attribute all of this.
And so now I face a cross-roads in life. Todd and I been married for eight years without ever having a problem sharing our lives. We've both changed, and changed eachother. I've seen him be less tolerant at times, and feel shame knowing I've helped him become this way. I also know that, I have softened. I also am able to be thankful that our sons have wandered away from what I stand for and are following their father's ideals.
Seeing them look at me, asking me how I could deny others help, I have to ask myself why I would. And I wait for someone else to help, knowing that no one else will.
I am conflicted. I want to set the right example, but I have no idea how to cross that line. And I'm afraid in doing so, I may alienate myself from some of my family.
I'm afraid of, in embracing this new lifestyle, I'm condemning my own life. How do I make up for a lifetime of living on the wrong side of the line?
It truly seems I have come to a point in my life where I will have to decide which life to follow.
As I look out the window toward the neighbors, I have to ask myself, "As a dog lover, could you truly ever care for this creature? Could you really actually care for...a cat??"